Taste of Peanut butter

Taste of Peanut butter

My days of Summer.

For those who haven’t seen the film 500 days of Summer I suggest you go watch it so you actually understand what I’m talking about. 

Everyone always seems to relate to Tom. And granted yes, I have my moments of idealism just like Tom does when it comes to romance. 

I’ve struggled to come to terms with ended romances, been blind sided and had to pick up the pieces. I’ve struggled with the whole “undefined” moments of it all. Just like Tom.

500 days of summer was never intended to be a love story. It doesn’t have a happy ever after and no one leaves with smiles. 

We watch as Summer breaks Toms heart, refuses to define her relationship, wanders away and eventually gets her flighty ass chained down by someone else. 

And it occurred to me, that I identify with Summer much more than I intended. I have these moments of meeting someone and getting so lost and caught up in them, then my logical side kicks in and I freak out and run away. All because I’m a cruel cynic who doesn’t believe in true love. 

We test the waters, we get waist deep and then realize that it is just too late. To late to swim back to shore to prevent either one of us drowning. From there its a struggle to keep a float, to keep treading water without someone getting seriously damaged. We can’t always offer that life raft of friendship either, it just simply doesn’t work that way. 

And while its cruel, misleading and damaging. We all have our moments of Tom and Summer.

image

The future is confusing. The past is confusing.

I have this awful habit of thinking about past memories. Some in fondness, some in regret and some I’m not sure what of make of. 

I received a message today from one of my friends, the quote simply stated;
"It is what it is, because it is what it is. And it will be what it is because it was what it was. 
I want you to know, it can be what it could be if you let it what it was be what it was, and not what it will be”

Which was pretty thought provoking. We both took something different out of it. I took from it that you need to stop over thinking things. I’m notorious for constantly being in thought.  

We all determine, in some measure, our future from our past. But sometimes there are parts of it that need to be left there, and let it be. The future could be utterly amazing, if I simply let what was in the past be in the past. 

Maybe it stems from me over romanticizing the past. That I hang on to that nostalgia hoping one day that I’ll feel the exact same way. 

At the same time, what I take from the quote is that you need to accept things for what they are. To not force it and to not hold on. That sometimes things really are that black and white, although I try to fight that train of thought on a daily basis. 

For now in some aspects of my life, i’ll let it be what it is because it is what it is, And perhaps let what it can be, what it could be. 
image

Why I write.

I get asked a lot about why I write, and who i’m writing for. Particularly from people who are new to the blog or have known me for a while and are surprised to learn I actually write at all. 

I actually used to write when I was 16 years old. I’d blog about my every day life. I’m sure its floating around on the internet somewhere in cyber space if you search hard enough you may find it. Although I’m fairly sure I deleted it out of sheer embarrassment. It actually got me into a fair amount of trouble when I was a teen while I was at school!

Afterwards I neglected my writing a bit, university got in the way and I felt as though I really had nothing to say at that stage in my life. That changed however when I was 22.

Oh..to be 22 again. I’d walked away from a serious long distance relationship and was all prepped and ready to be young, wild and free. I tend to enjoy being single for me it never seems to last long enough. Unfortunately someone came along and hit me like a bus.

I won’t get into it but I most definitely came off worse in that clash of hearts and I needed something as an outlet. 

I guess thanks to that I rediscovered how much I really missed writing and how much I enjoyed it. I never intended for it be shared out, however Emma pushed me to keep writing and soon enough a lot of my friends were following the blog and then those who don’t have tumblr encouraged me to keep writing. I’d get messages from people who I’d never even met saying how much they can relate. (sorry..blowing my own trumpet here, there is a point I promise!)

And so while for the most part I write for me and not everyone else. The biggest part of the reason I keep going is because I feel that if someone else knows there is someone else out there experiencing the same sort of life struggle, and lets face it, we’re all just treading water here, then it makes me want to keep going. 

And I’ll be frank, I don’t proclaim to be an expert on relationships, friendships or life in general. I struggle to grasp any one of these on a daily basis. I’ll never proclaim to be perfect, or that I have the perfect blog either. For those of you who complain tumblr isn’t the right platform for it. Look at all the cares I give. 

Sure, it does amaze me that people actually want to read my shitty writing but there you go. All the reasons why I continue to write. 

When you become a writer, your heart and your mind become divided between your many selves - Unknown

 

The mind of a 20 something year old cynic.

I’m having one of those overwhelming moments where I feel like everything is just happening all at once. That i’m suddenly being catapulted through time without any warning what so ever. 

I suppose that’s the life of a 20-something year old though. I’m always going to be defined at this stage as being young, naive and inexperienced as those so much older than myself. 

And of course in some aspects perhaps I am but I’ve always wondered that have they ever considered that maybe I just experience this reality a little differently to what they do. 

I have a different way of looking at things in comparison to some of my friends. I’m a little more cynical perhaps. My friend once said to me “you act like you want something but the truth is you tend to freak out and not know what to do once you get it”. Basically that was her way of calling me a hypocrite. 

Which I am. In the worst and best possible way. 

My experiences haven’t left me cynical I thin it’s just my own unwillingness that has bought that about. And while this young 20 year old something may still have a lot to learn about the world. I believe there is nothing wrong with the way I look at it now. 

I have absolutely no desire to change who I am at this stage. (I’m a positive cynic..if that’s possible) Perhaps its more sheer selfishness. Or perhaps its just a learning curve.

I don’t think I have more or less to offer than anyone older than me. I think I just have what I experience on my own and everyone else can just take it with a grain of salt. 

Inside every cynical person. There is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Why I feel “I love you” holds no real weight.

Its an easy phrase to say. 

It gets thrown around a lot and so much so that people tend to forget what it really stands for. 

I believe that the emotion we feel that is described as love exists absolutely but its hard to pin point it with just those three words.

I love my family absolutely and I try to show them as much as I can. I’ll see my Gran every sat for coffee no matter how I’m feeling and call her to make sure shes doing okay. 

I’ve been notorious in the past however for using those three word flippantly. Returning the phrase without really meaning it which sounds terrible but it was the easy way out and a we have established, verbalization of what I think doesn’t come naturally to me. 

It’s easy in the heat of an argument with a friend or SO to say “Yep I love you so lets not fight” without then proving later than you truly do by not actually hurting them again. Or by just using it because you refuse to take full responsibility for your actions. 

Its a hard subject to write on and one I’m struggling with the longer the clock ticks so it maybe I re-visit this tomorrow. But feel free to message to help me expand on this or to even provide a rebuttal. 

Re: Being good for someone - to grow and not be left behind.

If you read yesterdays blog post you would have seen I wrote on my ideas about being good for someone and why I think it is a silly notion. My own personal thoughts and I don’t really expect everyone to agree. 

Today I had one of the lads I work with tell me why he disagrees with what I’ve written. Now forgive me I maybe mis-quoting but this is what I took from it.

So his argument was that if you are neither good nor bad for someone and you just “are” then you are never moving forward. Someone who is good for you inspires you, pushes you and moves towards the same goals that you potentially have. Stops you from procrastinating (for example, booking flights to Europe if you have never been) and basically betters you as a person. You will forever be stuck in a perpetual rut if you just exist with this person. You need someone who is additive to your life as opposed to just simply existing. 

Now while I see his point, and it is valid, I still can’t help but disagree. Firstly that requires you needing someone to grow. Surely not everyone needs to rely on their SO to grow as a person? My other argument now that I’ve had time to think about it , is that you would forever depend on that person to make you better rather than just grow on  your own as an individual. That kind of dependence is terrifying and while yes people should bring out the best in each other its also important to learn how to do it on your own. 

I think a lot of the time people tend to forget that those in relationships are two individuals rather than just one. 


The idea of being good for someone.

I’m 25.
I don’t claim to be wise or to even have my life properly sorted out. I’m still trying to keep myself afloat in this thing they call life. I’m also trying to prevent myself from drowning when it comes to love. 

Essentially I’m treading water in every aspect of my life.

I had an impromptu brunch with a friend today. We were discussing our past mistakes in our past relationships.  On this particular subject a past flame emerged. To which he shook his head, looked at me seriously and said “Mei..that guy isn’t good for ANYONE and he most definitely wasn’t good for you.”

It got me thinking about the fact that SO’s are accepted by our friends and family because others read that person as being good for them.

And sure there are those particular situations that others outside of it tend to read a lot better than those involved (rose coloured glasses and all). But the resounding factor is that generally acceptance comes from where they are “good” or “bad” for someone. 

Why is this? Why can’t it just be they are two individuals who happened to meet, who get along and everyone else just accepts it. 

Sure there are those people who can bring out the best in someone or on the other end of the spectrum the very worst. We usually tend to gauge a persons happiness in a relationship based on these two things. 

And certainly while I like the idea that I could be good for someone. I also like to think that I could just “be”. In the sense that I’m still me, a whole person and not good or bad for anyone and that I just am. I’m not half of a whole or anything like that we just happen to be two people who enjoy each others company and we just are who we are. 

Which brings me to the subject of being good enough for someone. If we’re constantly being defined as “good” or “bad” for someone we’re stuck with this constant fear that we are never going to live up to expectations. Be it theirs, their parents, your parents or even your own.

Atelophobia - The fear of not being good enough.


A failure at love (and many other things)

In the grand scheme of things, I’ll always be a failure at love.

Clearly my past relationships never worked out one way or another for various reasons. Usually I walked away with a slight sense of relief. There has only been a handful of cases where I’ve been hurt and even rarer still to have my heart completely broken.

Part of me wonders if its due to the fact that I’m not good at verbalizing how I feel. I’m good with honest straight up brutal truths but not with myself. When I try, what I’m thinking and what comes out of my mouth generally end up being two completely different things.

I find being in love a truly terrifying concept. Mostly because I’m scared of the unknown. The last time I came close to it I was 16 and at 16 who can really be sure of what they feel.

I’m deemed a failure because having kids and being married isn’t high on my priority list right now. Eventually yes but I have so much that I want to strive for that it kind of gets put on the back burner.

I’m a contradiction in every single sense of the term. I want someone who will appreciate my brutal honesty yet be able to read between the lines. Who will get that I will put up every single defense I can throw at them should they even start trying without my permission.

I need someone who will call me on my shit when I push boundaries but at the same time know that i’m only human and prone to illogical female outbursts.

I’m okay with being a failure at love though. Reality is that my cynicism allows me to be okay with being alone (as I’ve previously mentioned). The road outside my house is paved with good intentions. It’s just I haven’t yet found who I’m willing to let through that door.

I can’t commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital - Fall Out Boy 

No matter how attractive a person’s potential may be, you have to date their reality. Mandy Hale

Why I don’t owe anyone a smile

Quite frequently I get told to smile. I’m constantly told that I look grumpy or need to stop frowning. 

The reality is, is that there isn’t anything wrong. What gets me the most however, is when people, particularly men assume that its okay to stroll up to me and say “SMILE DARLING” or something equally condescending. 

I don’t owe you a smile and for all you know I’ve quite possibly had the worst day and have a reason not to be smiling.

The real reason in most cases is that I suffer from a resting bitch face. My facial muscles tend to just set themselves that way.

However, this doesn’t give someone the right to tell me to smile. I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe you a smile just because you feel the need to tell me that I should. 

I’m not bitter, jaded or cynical (okay..possibly lying about the last one I’m hugely cynical) but I smile when I have a reason to smile.

I’m a normal functioning human and just because my deep in thought face tends to freak you out doesn’t mean that you need to tell me to change it.

I guess part of it comes in the issue that to the world I am a bitch. I’m not but that’s what society deems me as. I’m honest, almost to the point of brutal. I don’t mince my words and I certainly never lower my expectations of myself. 

I enjoy quick witted banter almost to the point that I get disappointed if people can’t keep up. I’m terrible in the love game, I either find that I need to compromise too much because the other half can’t keep up or I’m too impatient to give them a chance.  

Perhaps maybe that’s why men on the street tell me to smile. Their waiting to see if I’ll lower my guard and perhaps see whats behind that perpetual frown that adorns my face most days. 


Relationships don’t define us.

My Father has this terrible habit of asking when i’m going to get married. It seems an innocently posed question but I can never help but take offence to it. 

My offence comes in the form that I feel he thinks that I need that to define me. Which I don’t. 

Although, in saying that, if I had a dollar for every time someone I knew both male and female moaned that they were single because there was something wrong with them, I would have a deposit for a house. 

Why is it that people find singledom such a shocking or scary prospect. The problem is, society makes you believe its a terrible flaw, one that we need to constantly work on to fix. But the sheer simple answer is that we haven’t met the right person yet. 

Sure, sometimes there are things that we need to work on — but never for the sake of anyone else. There are things we do that are counterproductive to dating, let alone being in a relationship. There are the late nights at the office, the self-fulfilling prophecies, the commitment fears, the aversion. We all do things to sabotage our own chances for happiness, in part because sometimes we don’t know if we even deserve it to begin with. And so we stall and avoid and create problems for ourselves. We have our issues, and we have things that we need to work on.

And at the same time, we’re expected to share our lives with another person when we’re still desperately trying to fix ourselves.

Maybe in time when its less frowned upon to be single that people will stop giving you a sad look when you tell then your not seeing anyone. Better yet, people can stop questioning themselves about why they are single and just enjoying it.