Taste of Peanut butter

Taste of Peanut butter

When love isn’t enough

I’ve been tossing up for weeks if I should post this or not. And it maybe that it gets deleted but for now I think its the right time. It’s not to hurt anyone, or to cast anyone in bad light, Its to help others who might be in the same situation.

When I met you, you were new. You’d stare up at me with your bright blue eyes as I wandered around the office. We’d never spoken but I knew who you were. It was only a matter of time before you challenged me to a game of pool after work and everything spiraled from there. 

Admittedly, I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted in life when you hit me like some huge wrecking ball. I had been chasing someone that I had known for years and had decided once again to give up on them because it wasn’t worth the constant disappointment. 

You were so intense. After two weeks you blurted out you loved me.  I was so swept up in everything that I said it back. While I pushed away all the doubts I had and decided to try to let myself be happy.

Within three months you were insisting on us to move in together. That was the mistake. I wasn’t ready for that and I tried to tell you. I began to feel trapped. I drifted away more and more, because I was so scared of losing myself to forever being defined as being with you.

And then we shifted again, this time to a place of our own. This is when it went bad to worse. You decided to quit and not tell me, I had to carry the weight of everything for the both of us. You were uninspired to try anything. I felt guilted into staying. There were days when you would be a bright ray of sunshine and I felt that we could get through things. And then the next day would come and it was like I was stuck in a never ending black hole of depression struggling to make sense of the situation. 

Your bordem got the worst of you though, constantly going through my phone, accusing me of setting up dates with other men, the never ending struggle of you being insecure that I wanted something else. Which yes in the end I wanted something else. I wanted my freedom. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for you or didn’t love you. It just became too much too fast. Love was never going to keep us a float. And you certainly were not putting in any effort to try and keep us from drowning. 

For me it had been over for months. The courage to leave however, that was something that took time to muster. And when the time finally came to say goodbye you didn’t fight it. You knew that it was over just as much as I did. I now know that I didn’t love you as much as I thought I had. I was caught up in every single emotion and emotional blackmail is a difficult thing to pinpoint. I shed no tears for you, I don’t feel as though I should now that its over. I shed too many during the relationship to have any now. 

Sometimes, love isn’t enough to get us through. I am forever grateful for the lesson learnt, and I’ll be much more careful on giving my heart away next time. 

I forgot how much I enjoyed my freedom. I’m healed, happy and although like everyone I have my moments of doubt. I’ve learnt to trust myself that little bit more. 

And there isn’t a single soul on this planet who can take that away from me. 


Writers: cowards?

I read an article the other day that stated writers are cowards. We hide behind our words and say what we mean here but we can never verbalize it. We hide behind the anonymity in the medium we choose.

Well I don’t believe that at all. I share this out quite a bit and there are no illusions as to who I am or what I’m talking about. My thoughts are my own and I feel that I write to make sure that everyone else knows that if they are going through the same struggles in life that there is at least someone out there who understands. 

I am unapologetic for my goals, my dreams and who I choose to be. I don’t feel that I should have to live up to anyone else’s standards but my own. If I choose to write about what I think and feel then it makes me feel that people can gain a better insight into what I think about the world. I try to be positive the last thing I want is for people to think I’m being negative but I can’t help but feel a sense of injustice at being called a coward. 

To be honest, it kind of reminds me of how people judge me for my past. Mistakes that I made in the past make me who I am today. After all I am only human and we’re prone to a few mistakes here and there aren’t we? Opening up to someone about their past isn’t a door way for someone else to use that as a weapon. Now that is what I call being a coward.

Our expectations in others

So following on with things that people have requested I write on. I sit here trying to figure out how to put this one down onto paper.

Expectations of others and caring for other people. 

When people need me I try to be there. When one of my girl friends  suffers a heartbreak and needs an ice cream date to help wipe the tears away I try to be there as much as possible. (while also cracking as many inappropriate jokes needed to put a smile on her face)

But for some, when this happens, and in their time of need they find that people often never reciprocate back. Not even when the tiniest of favours are called in, these people are no where to be seen. 

As friends, often you are expected to be there for someone, to help, to sympathize, to make the jokes and above all to be able to apologize when either one of you make a mistake or hurts the others feelings, 

I personally believe, that at the end of the day, if someone can’t be a friend even for the smallest of things. How are they supposed to be there for the big events? 

Maybe I have a harsher view on it than others, I’m known for culling fair weather friends or people I feel I can’t trust but I know that others have a harder time.

Sometimes, caring for people isn’t about making big gestures. Its little tiny gestures that show that you care. 

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. 


Invested time.

I asked a few friends today what they would like to see me write on. And a few came back with ideas. So over the next couple of posts there will be ideas that people have given me.

Today, I got sent a quote that simply stated. 
"A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn’t want for her daughter, nor allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for."

This one hit home particularly hard. I’ve invested in relationships only to be completely disappointed. While they were lessons learnt, I would never ever wish them upon any of my friends or enemies for that matter.

I for one, guard my friends fiercely. And when I know they are being mistreated I’m always one to speak up. So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice?


I do believe that people are the time you invest into them. But I think its a matter of knowing when its time to cut that investment short. When it doesn’t give you the returns that you need, its time to move on. 

We are our own worst enemies.

Rejection is a hard thing to stomach. No one likes it but everyone treat it differently. 

And the saddest thing is, there is always going to be someone who in their eyes deems you a failure.

I’ve attempted 3 times to write this blog and even now i’m still erasing and typing as I try and figure out what it is exactly that I’m trying to say and get across to you. My readers.

So here goes, I hate rejection. I’m not good at it but I attempt to deal with it the best I can. Usually my “dealing” with it comes in the form of a forced awkward smile and for me to turn and eject myself out of that situation as quickly as possible. And this is in all situations, if someone doesn’t like my work for example, i’ll see their point but also be crushed that I didn’t live up to those standards. 

What I don’t understand is why is it such a painful thing to stomach. 

But we shouldn’t fear it. Fear of rejection will stop us from pursuing what we really love. Be it a new job, a new experience. What keeps you motivated to keep on going because you know that there are always going to be obstacles for the end result. If we feared those obstacles then where would we be? It not other peoples rejection we should be worried about. Its our own. Of our own selfish excuses as to why we aren’t taking the next step.

 Rejection only becomes so much more terrifying if you can’t back yourself. And that’s the most scary thing at all. It isn’t everyone else holding us back. Its ourselves.

I can’t believe how long it actually look for me to get this post out. Sorry if it was all over the show a bit. 




Some times a bit of fear is what we need

Its easy to build walls around yourself. Easy to make sure that no one gets past those defenses so that you never let them in.

But what about the people you do let in. The ones that you do manage to get past every single defense that you throw up. What then?

Everyone has this fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt and fear of suffering a broken heart. Sometimes these things are necessary, sometimes they help you build stronger defenses.

I think sometimes a healthy dose of fear is needed. It reminds us that we’re all human. And that we’re not invincible be it physically or in the matters of the heart.



 

We live. We Love. We Cry. We Learn.

Everyone has their bad moments. Or their moments of weakness. 

We tend to reflect on these at a later stage and think how we could of handled that better. 

And it relates to all matters of things be it in the matters of the heart or otherwise. 

I sometimes wish I wasn’t so stubborn. That in some moments I just let things be. But at the same time, I’m grateful for it. 

I think I have learnt however, that moments of pain, and happiness are only ever fleeting.  Here for a moment then gone. And what you are really only left with are a set of memories to either cherish or to learn from.

Love fiercely while you can.

Life can change so fast and so unexpectedly. So love while you can, when you can, as much as you can. - Mandy Hale 


To be a friend

I’ve realized in the last year that I’ve been a bad friend. 

I compromised people who mean so much to me for someone who was only a blip on my radar. 

Relationships are about compromise. But they should’t be about compromising some of the biggest parts of your identity. And sometimes parts of your identity are sewn into your friends.

In one way or another, these people influenced me in me in one way or another. They shouldn’t have been left to sit on the shelf like dolls.

Its a sad realization though. And one that I’m unsure on how to fix. Maybe its for my own selfish reasons? I’m not quite sure. I breathe a sigh of frustration when I think how stupid I am for allowing myself to be blindly led once more.

I hope my friends that read this know that I’m sorry. And that I’ll try to take the first steps to mend what I can. But sometimes you need to know that you have done wrong first before you can make it right with anyone else. 

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Being content

I think everyone is expecting me to have some sort of break down.

Why? “Well..don’t you feel lonely?” Someone said to me.

No.

In all honesty I once again am enjoying my selfish freedom. I enjoy being alone. I think its so important to be able to like your own company before you can let someone else in. 

I’ve always been in relationships. But it has never been a fear of mine of loneliness. Maybe I’ve built wall so high that the reality is I’m always alone. I’m okay with that though. 

My mother complained yesterday that I am too secretive. That she never can really tell what emotion I’m really trying to express and what I’m trying to hide. That surprised me. I always thought that for the people I was closest too that I could always be open. Something I’ll have to work on a bit more I guess.

But for now, I’m content to be alone. Content to not have a whole future planned for me that I didn’t really want. And content to make my own path and perhaps eventually join it with someone else’s later.

Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness. - Mandy Hale

The one that got away

Sometimes at night when I’m alone I’ll think of every heart break I ever experienced. 

In all fairness there aren’t many but that isn’t to say it isn’t painful.

I remember every crushing moment of not understanding why it was happening.

Like three years ago.

I remember meeting you, and I remember not being ready for any commitment at that point having just left a rough relationship and not being able to trust anyone. You needed a band aid and I was your willing victim. I knew that weren’t looking for anything serious and neither was I. Until you pushed it too far and got past every single defense I had managed to throw up. It was like being dropped from an extreme height and falling straight onto thick concrete without warning.

I was your band aid. Nothing more than something to sooth your ego that was crushed by another. But that’s okay. I realized that you were my band aid also. A band aid I need to have ripped off suddenly to make me forget everything else and to remember that some wounds can heal on their own.

I could guilt him over the fact all day that I knew he was being an asshole. But I can’t. Because I was doing the same to him. I just didn’t know it at the time. 

Luckily, the ones that truly love us remain strangers or friends.

Sometimes they are the ones that got away. 

At some point in your life you will encounter someone who is 100% perfect for you. There is a catch though. There is always a catch. It could be a force beyond your control. It could be something that you bring upon yourself; your fears, your needs, or feelings you weren’t ready for. It may be age difference, a distance problem or some other way of physically keeping you apart. The point is the person could have been everything you ever wanted but they slipped through the cracks. They are commonly known as The one that got away. - Uknown