Taste of Peanut butter

Taste of Peanut butter

To gamble. To keep your heart open.

Sometimes I struggle to write. And some days I’m not even sure if I should be blogging. But I do it anyway, knowing that I always feel better after. 

I’ve built my blog on brutal honesty. And sometimes truths I never knew until I typed them out. So all of a sudden I’m shy? And quite often I can be a contradiction. 

Two months ago I was floating along fine. Happily being alone and figuring out what I wanted in life. I was in no way shape or form prepared for what would happen. 

I’ve always been a cynic. In some shape or form I can never quite be the complete optimist. I fear that if I allow myself to be happy I’m not sure what will happen once its taken away from me. And so a cynic I remained. 

That was until two months ago. 

I was unprepared. You were this tall stranger gazing at me intently while I jabbered away about the first things that came to my head while choking on my coffee. I felt myself falter when you came close and so I did the only thing I knew. 

I ran. 

I kept resisting. I don’t trust easily and its not without good reason. I’ve had my fair share of disappointments and it just made more sense to me to keep on keeping those walls up. That didn’t deter you and little by little I let you in. You told me to keep my heart open. So I did. You read all my strange facial expressions and gauged what I was thinking. I was afraid of what would happen. I thought I knew how this would play out. I really had no idea of what was coming. And maybe that’s a good thing. 

Sometimes I’m a lost soul. I can be indifferent and cold sometimes. A fact that has been told to me many times. It’s not always intentional (sometimes its just resting bitchy face) and when it is its because I’m trying to protect number 1 first. I’ve never been good with wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’m bad with words and sometimes I feel I don’t come across as sincere. No matter how hard I try to be.

I realize now what I’ve hypocritically telling my friends after all. That being vulnerable can be powerful. And sometimes it takes vulnerability for you to really move ahead. I could have kept myself locked up. Taking a chance was a much better gamble and one that I doubt I’ll regret no matter the out come.

We all take risks. Not all of them end up the way we want. But when they do oh is it worth it. 

Falling in love, romance, matters of the heart - when you fall in love, on some biochemical level you know there is a chance it won’t work out. It’s ingrained in us that if you take such an enormous risk on someone with your heart that it might not pay off. I gamble all my chips and I might actually lose everything.

Rachael Taylor

The freedom of choice.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog. Reality is that it has only been a couple of weeks. Truth be told I had actually been sick so this wasn’t a priority during that time. But I’m a million times better now and looking forward to hitting the keyboard and venting some thoughts.

A friend of mine a few weeks back requested I write my thoughts on why modern women have it good.

We grew up in an era where we simply have the privilege and freedom of choice. I don’t think many of us realize how powerful that is until it is taken away from us.

We all grew up with the ability to choose who we want to be, how we are treated and who our friends are. Our decisions are purely of our own making. Yet we take this for granted in a lot of ways. 

The ability to choose our own paths in life is something that shouldn’t be thrown away or taken for granted. And I think for some having that ability terrifies them. It takes a special sort of bravery to pull away from the accepted norm and carve your own path. But I promise it will be worth it.

I see my path but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it. 

Your mess is mine.

Everybody has bad days.

Those days where things feel impossible that the world is falling apart around you or that you just want to hide away from everything. 

And sometimes we need someone, to talk to, to confide in or someone to simply say “your mess is mine”. That they will take on that day with you, give you the courage you need when you can’t find it. Or simply let you know that when your ready..they will be there for you.

These people are rare beautiful lights that come into our lives. Some stay forever, some stay for a fleeting moment and others flicker in and out.

Its easy to stand by people when their happy. When the sun is shining and the birds are singing. It takes a different kind of love to stand by someone when their sad, worried or just generally feeling blue.

Your mess is mine. 

The heart has fallen for many things, the best by far being you.

To leap. To learn. To love.

I sometimes miss being a teenager. 

They say that at that stage you have no idea what you’re doing. It’s true for the most part. 

But at the same time I think we feel everything so much more. Everything we do is in its raw form because we haven’t experienced it yet. 
At that stage we never consider the consequences be it because we’re naive and we don’t know or because we don’t care.

We can leap without thinking about it and just feel in every single way. And we learn this way. We learn who to share our secrets with, our dreams and our hearts. We learn who will back us when we need someone there. 

I think as adults we’re too worried about the what if’s. I know I am really bad for this. I want to have a life filled with oh wells but a lot of the time I can’t bring myself to do it. I hold myself back because of that internal fear. 

I can never just let my heart go freely without a safety net. Until now. That kind of vulnerability is strangely powerful and yet mind numbing and terrifying. 

Maybe we should all be a little more teenagerish, a little less jaded and a lot more vulnerable. After all there has to be a reason why some of the best memories we have are from when we were teens. 

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
—   C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Maybe I should stop apologizing for how I feel and just feel it. 

Maybe I should stop apologizing for how I feel and just feel it. 

Your next move.

It struck me today that in two weeks it will be September. And that only means three more months of 2014 before we’re looking down the barrel of another year. 

So far this year has turned out to be a great one, while this isn’t a end of year wind down blog I can’t help but believe that time has gotten away on me so quickly. And that amazingly for once I have stuck to my resolution of keeping this blog going. 

I was speaking to a friend the other day about life in general. We’re similar people so he understands on some levels my hesitations in life and love. We’re both serious hypocrites when it comes to giving advice. 

He stated that I was only as good as my next move. That everything I’ve done has lead me to the point of where I am and to just allow myself to fall and have no regrets. Because if I DON’T i’ll always hate myself for it.

And its true. 

And a big part of me knows its too. I get so wrapped up in my fears that I can never just allow to make that move without over thinking everything and wrapping my heart up in bubble wrap before I do so. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge. And I am. It’ll be the best thing or the worst thing but you are only as good as your next move right?

P.s Brad take your own advice. You also deserve some happiness! 

Don’t just fall in love with the result, fall in love with the process, for when you fall in love with the process the results will come - unknown

How football prepared me for the real world.

A request blog tonight. A little different to my usual blogs but still on something near and dear to me anyway. What football taught me. I grew up playing football as a kid. It first started when I used to kick a ball around my baby sitters backyard with some of the other kids there but my real love for it developed when I was living in Japan.

It was the only thing I really understood and it became an obsession. It was my escape when everything crumbled around me and my family fell apart.

Your team always has your back.
Every team I’ve ever played in I’ve become close When your working together as a unit there is some insane bond that lingers after all that mud and sweat has washed off. Much like on the field they’ll defend you to the death.

Everyone has battle scars.
I’m notorious for coming home covered in bruises and scraps. And my team aren’t any different. But beneath those bruises we all wear some sort of scar from life. 

Slow it down a bit.
Football is a faced paced game. Particularly indoor. If you go rushing in without any thought you are destined to lose. Stop, look around who’s there for you? Take that pressure off yourself and use your team. 

Not everyone is out to harm you.
Sure there are some people who will for the hell of a win but for the most part everyone is there to enjoy the game and to enjoy life. 

Love is a team sport…pick your team wisely.
Be selective in those you choose to play with. Love is a team sport but it isn’t a game. And sometimes you just find members you aren’t on your level. Ultimately you want someone who is fighting for the same goals as you are.

Keep your heart open little lady.

"Keep your heart open" he said. 

A concept that was foreign to me. Yet it makes sense in every way.

I have always deemed myself as a bit of a loner. I enjoy my own company and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Except that at times it makes me closed off and hard to get to. 

There are a million thoughts that come to my head at any given moment and I wish I could find a way to relay them all but it doesn’t always work out.

We break our hearts constantly. In different ways. With friends, family and of course with SO’s. We repair, we mend and we cover up all the scares left behind from these encounters. 

We promise ourselves not to fall. Not to open up again. To keep it close, safe and guarded. After all why gift someone else a piece of yourself if they are only going to throw it away?

I struggle with this. Every single day. I hide behind my big moat in my giant castle of a mind. I demand brutal honesty always and yet I’m never honest with myself. Except this time my castle is under siege and I’m doing nothing to stop it. 

Oddly enough, its not as though I don’t want to let someone in. I just don’t know how. I’m so used to staying closed off and keeping to the deep recesses of my mind that it has just become a default setting. That any time someone even gets remotely close I shut down. 

Maybe I should take the advice and keep my heart open. 

That attachment theory.

So I had a friend request I write on being attached. Or not attached..or how not to be attached. 

I kind of had to laugh because it seems it would seem sometimes I have an easier time detaching myself from relationships. 

But it isn’t always the case. Sometimes you can’t help but fall for the people you meet. And I don’t believe that it is a bad thing at all. Everyone operates differently. 

In fact, I think its incredibly powerful. While you run the risk of getting hurt absolutely, you at least are able to give more of yourself in a way. I struggle with this. I over think things and put my defenses up way too high. 

In a weird way, I wonder if its better to allow people in more often as opposed to just constantly blocking them out. 

I wish I could give advice on how not to get attached or heart broken but I think its important to let those things happen. (I’m such a filthy hypocrite its unreal) 

If you truly believe that someone is worth opening up the gates to your walls then by all means do it. It is much more painful to wonder what if and to watch them walk away because you were too scared. 

It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah but what if it does? - Peter McWilliams 

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