Taste of Peanut butter

Taste of Peanut butter

Maybe I should stop apologizing for how I feel and just feel it. 

Maybe I should stop apologizing for how I feel and just feel it. 

Your next move.

It struck me today that in two weeks it will be September. And that only means three more months of 2014 before we’re looking down the barrel of another year. 

So far this year has turned out to be a great one, while this isn’t a end of year wind down blog I can’t help but believe that time has gotten away on me so quickly. And that amazingly for once I have stuck to my resolution of keeping this blog going. 

I was speaking to a friend the other day about life in general. We’re similar people so he understands on some levels my hesitations in life and love. We’re both serious hypocrites when it comes to giving advice. 

He stated that I was only as good as my next move. That everything I’ve done has lead me to the point of where I am and to just allow myself to fall and have no regrets. Because if I DON’T i’ll always hate myself for it.

And its true. 

And a big part of me knows its too. I get so wrapped up in my fears that I can never just allow to make that move without over thinking everything and wrapping my heart up in bubble wrap before I do so. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge. And I am. It’ll be the best thing or the worst thing but you are only as good as your next move right?

P.s Brad take your own advice. You also deserve some happiness! 

Don’t just fall in love with the result, fall in love with the process, for when you fall in love with the process the results will come - unknown

How football prepared me for the real world.

A request blog tonight. A little different to my usual blogs but still on something near and dear to me anyway. What football taught me. I grew up playing football as a kid. It first started when I used to kick a ball around my baby sitters backyard with some of the other kids there but my real love for it developed when I was living in Japan.

It was the only thing I really understood and it became an obsession. It was my escape when everything crumbled around me and my family fell apart.

Your team always has your back.
Every team I’ve ever played in I’ve become close When your working together as a unit there is some insane bond that lingers after all that mud and sweat has washed off. Much like on the field they’ll defend you to the death.

Everyone has battle scars.
I’m notorious for coming home covered in bruises and scraps. And my team aren’t any different. But beneath those bruises we all wear some sort of scar from life. 


Slow it down a bit.
Football is a faced paced game. Particularly indoor. If you go rushing in without any thought you are destined to lose. Stop, look around who’s there for you? Take that pressure off yourself and use your team. 


Not everyone is out to harm you.
Sure there are some people who will for the hell of a win but for the most part everyone is there to enjoy the game and to enjoy life. 

Love is a team sport…pick your team wisely.
Be selective in those you choose to play with. Love is a team sport but it isn’t a game. And sometimes you just find members you aren’t on your level. Ultimately you want someone who is fighting for the same goals as you are.


Keep your heart open little lady.

"Keep your heart open" he said. 

A concept that was foreign to me. Yet it makes sense in every way.

I have always deemed myself as a bit of a loner. I enjoy my own company and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Except that at times it makes me closed off and hard to get to. 

There are a million thoughts that come to my head at any given moment and I wish I could find a way to relay them all but it doesn’t always work out.

We break our hearts constantly. In different ways. With friends, family and of course with SO’s. We repair, we mend and we cover up all the scares left behind from these encounters. 

We promise ourselves not to fall. Not to open up again. To keep it close, safe and guarded. After all why gift someone else a piece of yourself if they are only going to throw it away?

I struggle with this. Every single day. I hide behind my big moat in my giant castle of a mind. I demand brutal honesty always and yet I’m never honest with myself. Except this time my castle is under siege and I’m doing nothing to stop it. 

Oddly enough, its not as though I don’t want to let someone in. I just don’t know how. I’m so used to staying closed off and keeping to the deep recesses of my mind that it has just become a default setting. That any time someone even gets remotely close I shut down. 

Maybe I should take the advice and keep my heart open. 

That attachment theory.

So I had a friend request I write on being attached. Or not attached..or how not to be attached. 

I kind of had to laugh because it seems it would seem sometimes I have an easier time detaching myself from relationships. 

But it isn’t always the case. Sometimes you can’t help but fall for the people you meet. And I don’t believe that it is a bad thing at all. Everyone operates differently. 

In fact, I think its incredibly powerful. While you run the risk of getting hurt absolutely, you at least are able to give more of yourself in a way. I struggle with this. I over think things and put my defenses up way too high. 

In a weird way, I wonder if its better to allow people in more often as opposed to just constantly blocking them out. 

I wish I could give advice on how not to get attached or heart broken but I think its important to let those things happen. (I’m such a filthy hypocrite its unreal) 

If you truly believe that someone is worth opening up the gates to your walls then by all means do it. It is much more painful to wonder what if and to watch them walk away because you were too scared. 

It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah but what if it does? - Peter McWilliams 

That timing conundrum.

I am almost never late.

In fact, its a huge pet peeve of mine when people waste my time. My life on this planet is too short to be sat around waiting for people to show up with out good reason.

And yet, I can’t seem to figure out timing when it comes to the rest of my life. You can hardly wear a watch for those unexpected moments. We have control over a lot of things but who comes in and out of our lives isn’t one of them. 

We have no control over time yet it shapes us in every way. It steeps itself into every emotion. Those times in which we’re wishing we had more time, the nervousness we feel when the clock ticks down. The relief we feel when somethings over or the bitter sweetness of knowing we’ll never get that time back. 

I can’t bring myself to just believe with blind faith that everything will eventually work out. Is that my downfall? 

Maybe we just hide behind this excuse of the timing not being right because we’re too afraid to know what COULD happen. A misguided fear. 

Time gives us perspective, it gives us priority. Time gives us that bravery and it also gives us knowledge. Yet it also makes us vulnerable to heartbreak. It stops us from falling completely without second thoughts. 

Timing is the distance between two people and the hours, days and months in which you’ve seen them. Its the joy we feel when we’re reunited. 

I could let timing get in the way. Or I could choose to just measure what I have now and be happy about it. 

If you have chemistry, you only need one thing. Timing. But timings a bitch. - How I met your mother. 

My days of Summer.

For those who haven’t seen the film 500 days of Summer I suggest you go watch it so you actually understand what I’m talking about. 

Everyone always seems to relate to Tom. And granted yes, I have my moments of idealism just like Tom does when it comes to romance. 

I’ve struggled to come to terms with ended romances, been blind sided and had to pick up the pieces. I’ve struggled with the whole “undefined” moments of it all. Just like Tom.

500 days of summer was never intended to be a love story. It doesn’t have a happy ever after and no one leaves with smiles. 

We watch as Summer breaks Toms heart, refuses to define her relationship, wanders away and eventually gets her flighty ass chained down by someone else. 

And it occurred to me, that I identify with Summer much more than I intended. I have these moments of meeting someone and getting so lost and caught up in them, then my logical side kicks in and I freak out and run away. All because I’m a cruel cynic who doesn’t believe in true love. 

We test the waters, we get waist deep and then realize that it is just too late. To late to swim back to shore to prevent either one of us drowning. From there its a struggle to keep a float, to keep treading water without someone getting seriously damaged. We can’t always offer that life raft of friendship either, it just simply doesn’t work that way. 

And while its cruel, misleading and damaging. We all have our moments of Tom and Summer.

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The future is confusing. The past is confusing.

I have this awful habit of thinking about past memories. Some in fondness, some in regret and some I’m not sure what of make of. 

I received a message today from one of my friends, the quote simply stated;
"It is what it is, because it is what it is. And it will be what it is because it was what it was. 
I want you to know, it can be what it could be if you let it what it was be what it was, and not what it will be”

Which was pretty thought provoking. We both took something different out of it. I took from it that you need to stop over thinking things. I’m notorious for constantly being in thought.  

We all determine, in some measure, our future from our past. But sometimes there are parts of it that need to be left there, and let it be. The future could be utterly amazing, if I simply let what was in the past be in the past. 

Maybe it stems from me over romanticizing the past. That I hang on to that nostalgia hoping one day that I’ll feel the exact same way. 

At the same time, what I take from the quote is that you need to accept things for what they are. To not force it and to not hold on. That sometimes things really are that black and white, although I try to fight that train of thought on a daily basis. 

For now in some aspects of my life, i’ll let it be what it is because it is what it is, And perhaps let what it can be, what it could be. 
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Why I write.

I get asked a lot about why I write, and who i’m writing for. Particularly from people who are new to the blog or have known me for a while and are surprised to learn I actually write at all. 

I actually used to write when I was 16 years old. I’d blog about my every day life. I’m sure its floating around on the internet somewhere in cyber space if you search hard enough you may find it. Although I’m fairly sure I deleted it out of sheer embarrassment. It actually got me into a fair amount of trouble when I was a teen while I was at school!

Afterwards I neglected my writing a bit, university got in the way and I felt as though I really had nothing to say at that stage in my life. That changed however when I was 22.

Oh..to be 22 again. I’d walked away from a serious long distance relationship and was all prepped and ready to be young, wild and free. I tend to enjoy being single for me it never seems to last long enough. Unfortunately someone came along and hit me like a bus.

I won’t get into it but I most definitely came off worse in that clash of hearts and I needed something as an outlet. 

I guess thanks to that I rediscovered how much I really missed writing and how much I enjoyed it. I never intended for it be shared out, however Emma pushed me to keep writing and soon enough a lot of my friends were following the blog and then those who don’t have tumblr encouraged me to keep writing. I’d get messages from people who I’d never even met saying how much they can relate. (sorry..blowing my own trumpet here, there is a point I promise!)

And so while for the most part I write for me and not everyone else. The biggest part of the reason I keep going is because I feel that if someone else knows there is someone else out there experiencing the same sort of life struggle, and lets face it, we’re all just treading water here, then it makes me want to keep going. 

And I’ll be frank, I don’t proclaim to be an expert on relationships, friendships or life in general. I struggle to grasp any one of these on a daily basis. I’ll never proclaim to be perfect, or that I have the perfect blog either. For those of you who complain tumblr isn’t the right platform for it. Look at all the cares I give. 

Sure, it does amaze me that people actually want to read my shitty writing but there you go. All the reasons why I continue to write. 

When you become a writer, your heart and your mind become divided between your many selves - Unknown

 

The mind of a 20 something year old cynic.

I’m having one of those overwhelming moments where I feel like everything is just happening all at once. That i’m suddenly being catapulted through time without any warning what so ever. 

I suppose that’s the life of a 20-something year old though. I’m always going to be defined at this stage as being young, naive and inexperienced as those so much older than myself. 

And of course in some aspects perhaps I am but I’ve always wondered that have they ever considered that maybe I just experience this reality a little differently to what they do. 

I have a different way of looking at things in comparison to some of my friends. I’m a little more cynical perhaps. My friend once said to me “you act like you want something but the truth is you tend to freak out and not know what to do once you get it”. Basically that was her way of calling me a hypocrite. 

Which I am. In the worst and best possible way. 

My experiences haven’t left me cynical I thin it’s just my own unwillingness that has bought that about. And while this young 20 year old something may still have a lot to learn about the world. I believe there is nothing wrong with the way I look at it now. 

I have absolutely no desire to change who I am at this stage. (I’m a positive cynic..if that’s possible) Perhaps its more sheer selfishness. Or perhaps its just a learning curve.

I don’t think I have more or less to offer than anyone older than me. I think I just have what I experience on my own and everyone else can just take it with a grain of salt. 

Inside every cynical person. There is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

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